Others Get Triggered

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What To Do When Others Are Triggered

(Short Answer = Get the heck away from them!)

We can get dysregulated by being around a dysregulated (triggered) person.

This is because humans are Social Creatures.

We naturally send out and receive nonverbal cues about how safe our environment is.

During times of safety, our nervous systems are in Social Engagement mode, and we naturally send out non-verbal safety cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby, causing them to feel safe.

When our nervous systems are in Survival Mode, we naturally send out nonverbal threat cues, which are picked up by the nervous systems of other people nearby, causing them to automatically go on the alert.

Through these nonverbal cues, our nervous systems can influence each other to feel safe or to feel fear and prepare to deal with a threat.

This is called Co-Regulation.

All of this sending and receiving is going on below the level of conscious awareness.

How susceptible a person's nervous system is to being influenced by nonverbal threat or safety cues varies by individual.

Some people are super-regulators, which means their nervous systems have a stronger than usual influence - either positive or negative - on the nervous systems of others.

A triggered person is perceiving a threat, so their nervous system is sending out nonverbal threat cues, which conveys a lack of safety to those nearby.

Their dysregulated nervouse system can cause others around them to become dysregulated, too.

Nonverbal cues are often conveyed through:

  • Breath - slow, deep breathing indicates safety; when we do not feel safe, our breathing becomes rapid and shallow, or we hold our breath
  • Voice - tone, volume & rhythm (monotone or disjointed speech containing unnatural pauses conveys danger)
  • Eye Contact - menacing looks or complete avoidance
  • Facial Expressions - scowls, worry lines, fear, anger, blank looks
  • Body Movements - erratic, jerky, or stiff movements signal danger









DO NOT ENGAGE

I have found that if I am around someone, who is triggered, it is best not to engage with them.

The protocol I follow is below.

  1. Recognize
    The first thing I need to do is recognize when someone is triggered.
    As I become more aware of my own triggers and the signs that I am triggered, I become more aware of when others are triggered.

  2. Understand
    Their nervous system is in Survival mode, and their Social Engagement system is off line.
    They cannot access their cortex, where higher social and cognitive functions reside, like cooperation, taking in advice, and making good decisions.
    Logic and reason will not work on them, just as it does not work on me, when I am triggered.
    They cannot connect to their loving, caring feelings.
    They cannot care about my needs.
    3. They cannot see the good in me.
    I might even seem like an enemy to them.

  3. Do Not Take It Personally
    Even if they are making it very personal, trying to make it about me, which they are very likely to be doing, in a triggered state, it really has nothing to do with me. It is about their unresolved trauma from the past.

  4. Do Not Engage with Them
    There is nothing I can say that will help. They will not respond to logic or reason.

    So, I do not talk to them.
    If they ask me a question, I keep my answer as short & simple as possible.
    (Sometimes I get lucky, and they don't actually expect or wait for an answer.)

    There is nothing I can do that will help. They probably would not be satisfied or happy, even if I did exactly what they ask.

  5. Change Location
    Get Away from them and their Dysregulated nervous system.
    This reduces the chance that I will have to engage with them and that my nervous system will be impacted by theirs.

  6. Send Safety Cues to my nervous system, if need be
    If I start to feel dysregulated by being in the presence of a dysregulated person, it is a good idea for me to get away from their nervous system (change location), even if it is just for a few minutes, and send some Safety Cues to my brain.

  7. Wait
    I just wait it out. Most people's nervous systems naturally de-escalate on their own within a few hours
    (If it takes longer than 1 or 2 days, they might be stuck in what I call PTSD Land, which can take up to a couple weeks to pop out of without any techniques, such as burning off adrenaline.)

  8. Distract Myself
    I put my attention on something else, while I wait.
    I try to get my mind off of the triggered person and what they are triggered about.
    I find something else to focus on, like an absorbing creative pursuit or organizing my closet.

  9. Get My Needs Met Elsewhere
    There are countless ways to get a need met, and I may need to look elsewhere to get mine met.









IF THEY INSIST

Everything feels urgent to a triggered person, including resolving a problem, so they might be very insistent on engaging with me.

In that case...

  1. I might suggest taking a 10-minute break before we talk or continue the conversation.
  2. If they are still triggered, then I might suggest trying again in an hour or two.
  3. If they are still triggered, I will suggest we try talking again tomorrow.









IF I MUST

If I must interact with a triggered person (for instance, a triggered customer/client at work)...

  1. I keep the Focus of the conversation on discovering what Their (true) Needs (really) are.
    (A triggered person often doesn't know what their real needs are.)

  2. If I can, I send Safety Cues to their nervous system (friendly face, bright/light tone, smooth calm voice, slow deep breathing).

  3. I know that some people are very sensitive to tone of voice or facial expression, and sometimes there is nothing I can do about it if they find mine offensive.

  4. I keep in mind that to a triggered person, the appropriate response to what is happening now will feel very wrong to them, because it would have been inappropriate in the past, when the unresolved trauma they are subconsciously reliving occurred.









WORK PROTOCOL

This is a protocol I used at one of my jobs where I had to interact with triggered clients...

  1. Express Understanding & Empathy ("I completely understand. I would feel the same way! I'm so sorry that happened.")

  2. Take Notes

  3. Repeat Back what I wrote down to make sure I understood correctly and got all the important points down

  4. State Specific Actions I will take & exactly what time I will follow up with them to give them an update (same day - within a few hours)

  5. Follow Up Promptly (give them an update about the steps I have taken, progress that has been made, and what still needs to be done)













imovebeyondtrauma@gmail.com


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